From earlier this summer...
It still feels like it didn’t happen to me.
I always assumed it’d be easy.
But at our first prenatal appointment we knew something was amiss when my doctor was silent for the first few moments while examining the ultrasound. Intuitively we held our breath, I squeezed Dave’s hand and waited for her tell us something. She explained the baby had not grown passed 6 weeks and no heartbeat was present.
If this is what she thought, I would inevitably miscarry.
There were lots of tears, we were completely shocked, we had no words.
Over the course of the next few days I had blood work done and then another ultrasound.
The days in between our first and second appointment are a blur. We tried to stay hopeful and busy because we didn’t know for certain and we decided to hold on to the small chance we’d get good news.
By the second appointment, though, I had done enough googling to anticipate what we would hear.
My Doctor confirmed there was no progress. She tried to reassure us- this was common, I was normal, we did nothing wrong, there is hope for future a healthy pregnancy. The following day I had a surgery that, although very common, I had never heard about before to avoid what would be a painful and bloody miscarriage at home.
Dave and I were light hearted and conversational in the waiting room pre surgery. It’s just our nature. Laugh to avoid from, well, you know.
Once paperwork was signed, the IV was placed and my glasses removed, the stream of emotion began. I gave Dave snotty kisses and neck hugs from the bed before they wheeled me away. My doctor reassured me in the operating room that it would all be OK but I was overwhelmed at the sight of the operating lights, masked nurses around me but, of course, mostly the realization that this was it.
I felt a mask cover my nose and seconds later I was out.
What seemed like only seconds more I was back in my hospital room with Dave’s hand holding mine and talking to me. Everything had gone well, doctor said I did great he comforted me.
I wasn’t pregnant anymore.
The emotion comes in waves now. The tears too. It’ll be a sweet commercial, a work friend planning her baby shower or an instagram post announcing a pregnancy.
As much as I try not to, I have all the anxious thoughts like “what if this happens again?” “Is the universe trying to tell us something?” “Can my body even do this?”
The one shining light through all of this was (and always is) Dave. I could not have a more exactly-what-i-need-when-i-need-it partner than him. He's so good. That’s all I’ll say otherwise I will be a crying mess and won’t finish this.
Now, we’re looking to the future and are hopeful it will happen for us. We’re focusing on being present and having relaxing summer together.
Thank you for reading.