About finding the light...

Confession but back story first. So, before D and I started eating cleaner and exercising on the regular, I could get really crabby for no reason (hey! I'm a Cancer so maybe that does make sense?) or take things not going my way really hard/ dramatically like "Ugh! Everything is terrible now, there is no silver lining...ever!" For a usually optimistic person, that shit became draining. And in the recent years, it became easier for me to slip down that negative slope, like whoa. 

Dave would have to talk me down and remind me of all the good in our lives... over and over again. I was drained because I would simultaneously be like "this isn't me! I know 'everything's gonna be alright' (cue Alicia Keys 🎢), snap out of it!". 

Then, this change in our lifestyle started happening (and is still happening) and I started noticing how much my mindset was also shifting, improving along with all the physical changes(losing weight, yada yada). When stuff got tough in recent months- adulting IS hard after all- I all of a sudden had my grove back and wouldn't take it hard, would find the light, remind myself of all the good in my life and would be the light for D if he felt discouraged. I only started really noticing the change when D mentioned it to me and I was stoked, I was surprised, I was proud because I knew I had made it happen. 

On to today. Something at work seriously irked me. Won't go into details. Just know I was fuming inside. It took everything inside of me not to react to it. So I didn't. Dave again, talked me down. Even though, I didn't react outwardly, I let my thoughts go angry, go dark and all "whoa is me" again.  I felt like I essentially undid all the progress I had made in the last few months, I couldn't see the light. I felt like I should've known how to deal with this better.

I let the situation stew in me for about 2 hours or so, took a break to get some fresh air and listened to the 1975 Grease Soundtrack (aka my happy place) within that time, then let it go. It didn't consume me. I wouldn't let it. The good, the light, the progress is too damn bright for the darkness to stick around. I'm human, turns out, and I'm still proud because the change is still there. A few months ago, I would've let this affect me probably up until I went to sleep; I would've broken down crying to Dave about how shitty the situation made me feel, I'd ask why I had to be dealing with this and he would remind me again of all the good stuff, wipe my cheeks and runny nose, inevitably  make me laugh and rub my head until I crashed. 

I'm not taking this crap to bed this time. It's just not worth it, nothing is. I have life to live. I triumphed today, it may seem small but I did it, I let it go and that's big.

Thanks for reading, feels good to share these little victories!
-B

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